Stalking and Other Forms of Intrusive Contact

Unfortunately, you are not in complete control

You need to know that, despite your best efforts, the intrusive contact you are experiencing may continue or even get worse. While you can influence your ex’s behavior, you cannot control it. Think of it like driving defensively. If you drive defensively, you are much less likely to get in an accident. However, even the best drivers occasionally get in an unavoidable accident. So, act in ways that will help to end the intrusive contact, but do not feel like a failure if your efforts do not work right away.

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First, you need to decide what the limits should be. The limits can take one or more forms, for example:

• Limits can refer to the types of contact, if any, that your ex can have with you. For example, you might be willing to talk with your ex on the phone but unwilling to talk face-to-face, or you might be willing to exchange notes with your ex but not talk on the phone or face-to-face.
• Limits can refer to where you are willing to have contact. For example, you might be willing to talk with your ex at school, but not at your home or where you work.
• Limits can refer to the amount of time you are willing to have contact. For example, that you could be willing to have conversations for 15 minutes or less, but not for longer.
• Limits can refer to the topics that you would be willing to talk about with your ex. For example, you might be willing to talk about events at school but not about getting back together as a couple.

It can be hard to decide how much contact is reasonable for your ex to have with you. Of course, you can always decide to cut off all direct contact between you and your ex. If your ex did something that hurt you when you were still together (either emotionally or physically) then it may be easy for you to feel right about cutting off all contact. However, if you have just grown apart from your ex and he or she still feels close to you, it might be more difficult for you to feel right about cutting off all contact. Deciding how much contact to allow can be hard, and it is not possible for us to provide clear guidelines to help with this decision. We recommend that you make this decision thoughtfully. Talking with family members, friends, or others may help. You may not feel completely comfortable with your decision, whatever it is, but many people do not feel completely comfortable with this kind of decision.

Making the limits reasonable

It is important that the limits be reasonable. Reasonable limits are those that do not inappropriately restrict what your ex can do. Your ex has the right to do certain things and may have the right to be near you at certain times even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, especially if you both attend the same school, live in the same neighborhood, or belong to the same organizations. If you try to put unreasonable limits on your ex, he or she may simply get mad and refuse to follow the limits. He or she could say, "you cannot stop me from doing that." If the limits are unreasonable, he or she may be correct that you cannot stop him or her from doing those things. If this happens, then your attempts to make limits may not succeed, which can increase the problems you are having with your ex.

• It would not be reasonable to tell your ex that he or she could not attend certain social events that you want to attend or that he or she could not go to restaurants, bars, or stores that you and your friends go to. Your ex still has the right to do these things, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
• It may also be unreasonable to try to restrict your ex from activities in your school or community. For example, if you are in your school orchestra or a club, you cannot stop your ex from joining the orchestra or the club, even if you believe that he or she is joining just to be near you. However, you could ask the advisor or leader of the orchestra or club to make sure that your ex does not sit near you or bother you (you may need to tell the advisor or leader why you are making this request).

However, it is always reasonable to put limits on your ex's attempts to contact you directly. For example, it is reasonable to tell your ex that he or she cannot call you on the phone, visit your home or dorm room, or come over to talk with you while you are in a restaurant.

Creating reasonable limits does not mean that you have to negotiate and compromise with your ex. For example, if he or she wants to be able to talk with you at school and you do not want any contact at all, you do not have to compromise and say that he or she can call you (although it is acceptable to compromise if you would like to). You can set whatever reasonable limits you want and your ex cannot expect that you change them.

In addition to making reasonable limits, you can also tell your ex that certain behaviors make you uncomfortable and ask if your ex would be willing to avoid them. For example, if you are in the same class, you could tell your ex that it makes you uncomfortable when he or she looks at your during class. You cannot limit whether your ex looks at you, but by telling him or her that it makes you uncomfortable, he or she may stop doing it.

It can be difficult to know if your limits are reasonable. If you are unsure, talk with family or friends, a teacher or counselor, or a residence hall advisor, club advisor, or police officer.

Making the limits clear

Clear limits are those that refer to specific behaviors that your ex can and cannot engage in. It is important that the limits be clear, rather than vague. Vague limits do not provide your ex with enough information about how he or she should behave, which will allow him or her to decide how to behave and how much contact to have with you. Clear limits are specific and tell your ex exactly what type of contact you are willing to have.

Examples of clear and reasonable limits are:

• “It is OK if we talk at school, but you cannot come by my house or call me at my house.”
• “It is alright with me if we send each other e-mails, but I do not want to talk with you on the phone or face-to-face.”
• “It is OK if you want to call me at home, but I do not want to talk with you at school.”
• “I do not want any contact with you at all."

Examples of limits that are either unclear or unreasonable are:

• “Don’t talk with me if it will make me upset.” (The problem with this is that your ex may not know what will upset you until after you get upset.)
• “Let’s just see each other less.” (The problem is that “less” is not clear–it could mean a lot less or just a little less.)
• “I said that we weren't a couple anymore–you are trying to see me too much.” (The problem is that it is not clear whether you want to end all contact or just reduce contact and it is also unclear what type of contact you are willing to have.)
• “You have to stay 100 yards away from me at all times.” (The problem is that you do not have the right to limit many of the places your ex can be, such as in the same school building or restaurant. Legal interventions such as court orders can impose limits such as this–but they require an order from a judge.)

You need to be cautious that your limits reflect what you truly want. If you say “Do not speak to me again” and your ex stops speaking to you, you cannot ask later, “Why haven’t you said anything to me since we broke up?”

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There are two steps to communicating the limits to your ex. First you must decide on the specific message, then you have to decide how to deliver it to your ex and deliver it.

Deciding on the specific message

Once you have decided on clear and reasonable limits, you should decide on the specific message that you will give your ex about them. Even if you are going to tell your ex about the limits, you may want to write them down so that you remember the message and can give it clearly. You might also practice saying the message out loud or saying it to a friend. It is important that the message you give your ex is delivered clearly.

Deciding how to communicate the message

You can inform your ex about the limits in several ways.

• Tell your ex directly. This may be difficult to do, but can be the most effective if done well. If you have practiced what you will say, you are likely to be better at delivering your message than if you do not practice.
  Arrange to meet with your ex where other people will be nearby, but where you can have some privacy. It is best not to meet at your house, your ex’s house, or somewhere else where others will not be around. You may want to have a friend with you to provide support and tell you later if your message was clear and direct.
  When you meet your ex, speak in a clear voice. Try not to be angry or accuse your ex of acting improperly. This is not the time to decide who was good or bad or whose fault the breakup was. Simply state that you need to have some limits on your contact and tell your ex what the limits are.
• Deliver a note to your ex. You may want to deliver a note personally or have a friend deliver it. If you deliver the note, you can tell your ex that you have something important to say and that you thought it would be best to say it in a note. A friend could say the same thing. Again, this is not the time to be emotional or to argue about your relationship. After you deliver the note, you can leave–you do not have to stay and watch your ex read the note.
  If your ex gets angry and tears up the note or throws it on the ground, just leave. Nothing will be gained by insisting that your ex look at the note then or by making angry comments. If your ex refuses to read the note, you may need to involve a counselor, teacher, police officer, or someone else in a position of authority to deliver your message.
• Have a friend talk with your ex. This is the riskiest way of delivering the message because, even if you practice with your friend, you do not know for sure that the message will be given the way you want. If you choose this way, make sure that your friend delivers the message clearly and that your friend does not argue with your ex.

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Your ex may ask why he or she cannot contact you, either by returning a note or talking with you directly. For example, your ex might ask, “Why can’t I call you at home?” It is alright for you to say “Because I don’t want you to call me at home.” Maybe your ex will ask, “Why not?” You can give a reason if you like, but it is also alright simply to repeat “Because I don’t want you to.” You can give your ex more of a reason but you do not owe your ex any further explanation. Your ex may not like your explanation, but he or she will have to live with it.

Your ex might get angry and threaten you or refuse to follow the limits. If this happens while you are talking with your ex, do not argue or threaten back. Just walk away. If your ex responds like this, talking with parents, teachers, counselors, or others who can help will be very important.

This is not a time for bargaining or negotiation. You might want to negotiate later and you might want to change the limits later, but this is not the time to do so. Negotiating prolongs contact with your ex and will encourage your ex to keep trying to negotiate in order to maintain contact with you.

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Once you have set limits, you cannot respond if your ex breaks them. You cannot control your ex's behavior, but you can control yours. If your ex breaks a limit, you should not respond in a way that encourages your ex to break it again.

If you say “no phone calls,” then you cannot talk with your ex if he or she calls–not even once. If, for example, you finally get fed-up with your ex phoning and you pick up the phone the eighth time that your ex calls, then your ex will learn, “If I keep calling, she (or he) will eventually pick up the phone and talk with me.” If you pick up the phone the twenty-fifth time your ex calls, you will be teaching your ex that if he (or she) keeps calling and calling and calling, you will eventually break down and pick up the phone. Even if you just yell at your ex and tell him or her not to call ever again, you will be teaching your ex to keep calling.

You must follow the limits also

Once you have set limits for contact between you and your ex, you must follow them also. If you say “no phone calls,” then you cannot call your ex–not even once. If you break the limits, this will encourage your ex to do the same.

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After some time, you may decide to change the limits. You may choose to add limits or increase the ones you have already given. If you decide to change the limits, you would follow the same guidelines outlined above.

If your ex has been abiding by the reasonable limits you set, you may decide to decrease the limits and allow your ex to have more contact with you. If you decide to do this, set new clear limits and inform your ex about them. However, it is important that you do not decrease the limits because your ex has not been following them. If you do this, then your ex will continue to contact you in ways you do not want, since your ex will have learned that refusing to abide by the limits results in your decreasing them. It is important that the new limits be clear and reasonable. Increasing contact by saying, “It is alright if we see each other some more,” will be problematic, because your ex will not know if he or she can increase contact a lot or just a little.

You should know, however, that your ex may decide to decrease contact with you if you want contact increased–you cannot require that your ex have more contact with you than he or she wants.

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Minimizing contact and keeping safe

Sometimes an ex refuses to abide by the limits that you feel comfortable with. It is also possible that you may feel threatened by your ex and worried about your safety even if he or she seems to be following the limits. There are several strategies that you can use to minimize contact with your ex and feel safe. One goal of these strategies is to reduce all contact with your ex to a minimum. This will help your ex let go of the relationship. The other goal is to increase your safety. Most often, these strategies are more effective if you have the support of family and friends, so it is often wise to talk with them about how they can help you.

Most people who are experiencing intrusive contact are not afraid of their ex. The suggestions in this section are not intended to frighten you or make you feel that your ex is likely to do something to hurt you. However, even if you do not feel afraid, some of these actions can help reduce the contact your ex has with you, and as the contact is reduced, it is more likely that your ex will finally stop the intrusive contact.

Many people who have to make changes in their lives to avoid an ex who is harassing them feel that it is not fair that they have to make these changes. You may feel this way too. You are right; it is not fair. You may still have to avoid doing some things that you like in order to reduce contact with your ex, and you may have to be more careful as you go about your life. Even though it is not fair that you have to make these changes, it is important that you make them so that you can keep safer. Do not let your pride, anger, or frustration get in the way of doing what you should do to keep safe. Most of the changes will only need to be temporary, until your ex can finally let go of you and your relationship. You may find, however, that some of the changes are good for your overall sense of safety and that you want to continue them even after the problems with your ex end.

Although you might be able to handle intrusive contact on your own, it is often helpful to talk with others about it and the best ways to deal with it. They may be able to make useful suggestions that you have not thought about or may know of resources you are unaware of. They may also be able to share some of the burden you are experiencing because of the intrusive contact.

If you turn to someone for help, he or she should take your concerns seriously. If you believe that a parent, counselor, police officer, lawyer, or other person is not taking you seriously, go to someone else for help. Keep doing this until you find someone who takes your concerns seriously and assists you in getting the help you need and deserve.