Stalking and Other Forms of Intrusive Contact

Adolescents who have had these experiences say that support and guidance from parents and friends have been helpful. Many adolescents do not know what to do when they are being harassed. Many of them fear being judged or blamed for the harassment.

If you know that your son or daughter is being harassed, it is important to approach him or her with support and concern.

• Do not blame your son or daughter for starting or ending the relationship. Make suggestions and provide guidance without passing judgment.
• Try not to criticize the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Your son or daughter may still care about him or her.
• Do not forbid your child to see the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. This may only make your son or daughter defensive and stop him or her from speaking with you honestly.
• Let your son or daughter know that the harassment is unacceptable and that it is not his or her fault.
• Work with your son or daughter to think of ways for him or her to stay safe.
• It may be appropriate to suggest that your son or daughter see a counselor or the police. Offer to go with your son or daughter, but do not insist on going.
• Considering your child’s wishes is important. However, there may be times when you decide that you need to intervene even if your child disagrees. If you do this, it is best to inform your son or daughter of the actions you plan to take.

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You can take actions to help keep your son or daughter safe and minimize the harassment that he or she is experiencing.

• Offer to screen telephone calls and visitors.
• If you know that no one else will be home after school, encourage your son or daughter to go home with a friend.
• Encourage your child to go out in groups. This might require a more flexible curfew.
• Offer to drive to shopping malls, movies, or other places to meet friends so that your son or daughter can avoid walking or taking the bus alone.
• Consider getting a cell phone and having your son or daughter carry it at all times.
• Make it clear that your child should call you if he or she is frightened or needs to be picked up, despite the time or distance from home.

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Counselors are specially trained to listen and provide support. Theymay be helpful because they have dealt with other students havingsimilar difficulties. A counselor can give you advice on how to talkwith your son or daughter, whether the police should be involved, andwhether talking with the ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s parentswould be helpful.

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Many police departments now have officersspecially trained to help with these situations. A police officer mightalso be able to give you advice on legal proceedings that could betaken to help keep your child safe.

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• Sometimes it may be useful for you to contact the parents of the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It is best to have your son’s or daughter’s agreement before doing this, and a conversation about this with your son or daughter will be important.
• When talking with the other parents, it is best to calmly describe what is happening and say that your child would like for it to stop. Try not to accuse the other child of bad behavior, since this may only make his or her parents defensive. Tell the other parents that you hope they can help, but do not expect them to tell you what they will do.
  
• If the other parents are not cooperative, it is best to just leave. Do not argue. Try very hard not to get mad. You will not change their mind. You may need to contact a counselor, school official, or a law enforcement officer if your discussion with the other parents is not successful.

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High school and college students who have had these experiences say that support and guidance from parents and friends have been helpful. Many students do not know what to do when they are being harassed. Many of them fear being judged or blamed for the harassment.

• If you know that your friend is being harassed, it is important to approach him or her with support and concern.
• Do not blame your friend for starting or ending the relationship. The best thing you can do is listen and be supportive. Make suggestions and provide guidance without passing judgment.
• Try not to criticize the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Your friend may still care about him or her.
• Let your friend know that the harassment is unacceptable and that it is not his or her fault.
• Let your friend know about your concern.
• Suggest that your friend talk with his or her parents, a teacher or counselor, or another adult who might be able to help. Offer to go with your friend to be supportive, but do not insist on going along.
• Considering your friend’s wishes is important. However, there may be times when you decide that you need to tell someone what is happening even if your friend does not want you to. Before you do this, consult with your parents, a counselor, teacher, or other adult for advice.

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You can take actions to help keep your friend safe and minimize the harassment that he or she is experiencing.

• If you know that no one else will be home at your friend’s house after school, invite him or her to come home with you.
• If you have a car, try to be accommodating and give your friend rides so that he or she can avoid traveling alone.
• If you are driving your friend home, wait until he or she gets into the house before driving away.
• When at a party, school activity, or other social event, be prepared to leave with your friend if he or she becomes uncomfortable.
  

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• Try not to get caught between your friend and the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It may be alright to continue being friends with both of them, but avoid giving each of them news about the other.
• It is very important to avoid being a messenger between your friend and the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. If you do this, the harassment that your friend is experiencing is likely to last longer.
  
• You may need to set clear guidelines with both of them about what you will do and what you will not do (such as spy on the other person or carry messages back and forth). You should stick to these guidelines, even though doing so may be hard.

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It’s a team effort

It is best to deal with this type of situation as a team. Your friend might want to handle it alone because of embarrassment or being unsure what to do, but keeping other people out of it can be a problem. Many people can provide useful information on handling the situation. Help your friend decide who else to talk with and give your friend support.

Talking with your parents

Your parents may be able to give you useful guidance on how to be helpful to your friend. They may be aware of ways in which similar situations were ended successfully and they might have good advice on how your friend can talk with his or her parents. They can support you while you support your friend.

Talking with a counselor

Counselors are specially trained to listen and give you or your friend support. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a counselor than a friend or parent. Counselors can also refer you to other people, services, and information that may be helpful.

Others can help also...

...perhaps a teacher, member of the clergy, coach, or neighbor.

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We have created a set of posters, pamphlets, and booklets that can be useful for those experiencing stalking or other forms of intrusive contact. We would be happy to send you a set of these materials, free of charge.

Send your request to:

Or by email: intrusive-contact@cornell.edu.

Indicate whether you would like to receive materials designed for (a) high school students, (b) college students or young adults of college age, or (c) both.

Additionally, if you would like to add this site as a link on your website, you may do so without permission.

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