Stalking and Other Forms of Intrusive Contact

Intrusive contact occurs when someone intentionally contacts or tries to contact you when you have asked that there be no contact. The contact can be personal, such as phoning or visiting, or can involve leaving messages or sending e-mails. Sometimes intrusive contact is just annoying (as when a person phones and then hangs up several times a day), but other times it can be frightening (as when a person appears at a bedroom window) or dangerous (as when a person physically hurts or threatens to hurt someone).

Intrusive contact also includes:

• insisting on talking with you when you do not want to talk
• making a scene outside your home or dorm room
• phoning or e-mailing repeatedly
• phoning at inappropriate times
• following you around
• waiting to meet you outside school, work, or other activity

Back to Top

Sometimes it can be difficult to know whether your ex’s attempts to contact you are just a normal part of relationships or whether they are wrong. You may have broken up with your ex before and gotten back together, and you may have been in other relationships where you broke up and got back together. So, it may make sense for your ex to try to maintain contact with you, if he or she wants to keep the relationship going. It may also make sense for your ex to try to convince you to get back together with him or her. How long your ex can ask to get back together with you is hard to say. However, certain types of behaviors from your ex are always wrong.

Threats. Your ex does not have the right to try to resume the relationship by threatening you, your family, or your friends. Threatening even once is wrong.

Hitting. You never have to put up with someone hitting you. It is completely wrong for your ex to try to force you back into a relationship by hitting you or hurting you in any way.

Breaking clear and reasonable limits. If you tell your ex, clearly, not to contact you in certain ways, then he or she should not. If you say, “Do not come by my house,” then he or she should not come by your house -- not even once.

Doing things that would not be right under any circumstance. It is not right for your ex to contact you by doing things that would normally be wrong–for example, calling you very late at night, creating a disturbance outside your dorm room, or hiding in the backyard of your house.

Back to Top

If you are having trouble getting your ex to see that your relationship is over and leave you alone, you are having the same experience as many others. A recent survey of college students that we conducted showed that 30% of them had experienced intrusive contact after ending a relationship. About half of them experienced intrusive contact after a relationship in high school, and about half after a relationship in college. Although most had been targeted with intrusive contact after the end of one relationship, some experienced intrusive contact after the end of two or three relationships. We also found that males and females were equally likely to initiate intrusive contact after breaking up, showing that males and females can both be the target of intrusive contact.

Even though many people experience intrusive contact, most do not talk about it. Consequently, it may seem as if you are alone in having these troubles–but you are not.

Back to Top

Our research was unable to discover any characteristics of a person that makes them more likely than others to be the target of intrusive contact. For example, people who were shy or smart or very attractive or who had few friends were no more likely to be targeted with intrusive contact than people who were not shy or not so smart or moderately attractive or who had many friends.

We did find that those who dated more frequently or who had sex more frequently were more likely to experience intrusive contact. It may be that dating more often increases anyone's chance of forming a relationship with someone who will later engage in intrusive contact. Having sex during a relationship may make it more difficult for one of the partners to let go of the relationship, which may result in intrusive contact.

So, at this point, it does not appear that there is something about you that causes you to be targeted with intrusive contact.

Back to Top

Many people who are targeted with intrusive contact believe that they have done something wrong or handled the relationship or the breakup badly, and that this is why they are experiencing intrusive contact. They may blame themselves for what is happening, and some may even feel that they are getting what they deserve. This makes it difficult for them to seek help or talk with others about the intrusive contact.

Sometimes, a person's ex tries to make him or her feel responsible for the intrusive contact. However, the ex is responsible for his or her own behavior. If your ex tries to make you feel responsible for his or her behavior, it is simply a way for your ex to avoid taking responsibility for it.

It is true that you can take actions that can reduce the frequency or intensity of the intrusive contact, and these are discussed on this site. However, this does not mean that you are responsible for the intrusive contact–it just means that you can take action to stop it.

Back to Top

• We know that females and males are the targets of intrusive contact, and that females and males initiate intrusive contact. Some research has shown that females and males are equally likely to initiate intrusive contact.
• HOWEVER.... We do not know who is likely to initiate intrusive contactor who is likely to be targeted. When you start or end a relationship, it is not possible for you to know whether your ex will target you with intrusive contact.

• We know that intrusive contact can last one or two weeks after a relationship ends or it can last months or even years.
• HOWEVER.... It is not possible to predict which cases of intrusive contact will continue for a long time and which will end quickly. You can act in ways that are likely to reduce the length of intrusive contact, but even these actions will not reduce it in some cases.

• We know that sometimes intrusive contact is not much more than an annoyance and that other times it can be frightening or dangerous.
• HOWEVER.... It is not possible to tell which cases of intrusive contact will become frightening or dangerous. If your ex abused you sexually, physically, or emotionally during your relationship, then you are probably at a higher risk for experiencing frightening or dangerous intrusive contact. But even if you have not experienced abuse in your relationship, the intrusive contact may still become frightening or dangerous. Consequently, it can be important to end intrusive contact soon after it starts, if possible.

• We know that some behaviors that you feel are intrusive will not feel intrusive to the person doing them. You cannot assume that your ex views his or her behaviors the same way you do. Your ex may believe that he or she is behaving properly by trying to get back together with you, and you could feel that his or her behaviors are intrusive and inappropriate.
• HOWEVER.... If the behaviors feel intrusive to you, you can ask that they stop.

Back to Top

Myth: Only mean or sadistic people engage in intrusive contact with someone they used to date.
What We Know: Some people who engage in intrusive contact are mean or sadistic, others are usually nice and are well liked by others but cannot let go of the relationship.
What We Do Not Know: We do not know who is likely to engage in intrusive contact and who is not. It seems as if almost anyone can engage in intrusive contact under certain circumstances.

Myth: The best way to end intrusive contact is to ignore it.
What We Know: Intrusive contact will sometimes end if ignored for a few days or a week. Other times, however, the other person will continue the intrusive contact and may increase the amount of intrusive contact so that it cannot be ignored.
What We Do Not Know: We do not know which cases will end if ignored and which may continue or get worse.

Back to Top